


Nobody To Blame

by Space_Interrobang



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Denial of Feelings, Drunken Shenanigans, Established Relationship, F/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Porn With Plot, Seungri is an ass, Shameless Smut, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-01-06 07:58:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12207069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_Interrobang/pseuds/Space_Interrobang
Summary: Things didn't always end pretty. There aren't always neat little bows wrapped around a situation. No matter how honest and forward people are. Both parties could be wonderful at communicating, but sometimes things just don't work out. Meetings get put off. Questions don't get answered. Closure becomes like a vivid dream leaving a hollow ache in your chest during the day.You can do everything right and still lose.





	1. The Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Graphic chapters will be marked with a '*'.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Things didn't always end pretty. There aren't always neat little bows wrapped around a situation. No matter how honest and forward people are. Both parties could be wonderful at communicating, but sometimes things just don't work out. Meetings get put off. Questions don't get answered. Closure becomes like a vivid dream leaving a hollow ache in your chest during the day.

You can do everything right and still lose.

That was where you were at. Your now ex boyfriend had been slipping further and further away. You tried to be understanding, and patient, and trusting. Eventually it felt like you were blinding yourself. He had work, and then recording, and tours, and practice, and more work, and late night studio sessions, and on and on until you realized it had been almost 3 months since he had spoken to you face to face.

Sure he would crawl into bed with you at 3, or 5 in the morning sometimes, but then he was gone again before you woke up. Or he slept at the dorms. The only evidence that he had been there a dent in his pillow, a damp towel by the recently used shower, and a used glass or bowl in the sink.

The pity you felt for him working constantly at the start morphed into bitter disappointment and anger. He couldn't even wake you up to say goodbye before leaving? Have lunch or dinner at the studio with you? Hell, by the end of the three months you would've probably jumped for joy if he called you over the phone.

It's not like you kept your thoughts quiet, either. You fought to keep him because you loved him. You still loved him. You left voicemails wishing he'd come home, responded to his texts saying that you missed falling asleep next to him, asking to go to him if he couldn't go to you. About two weeks in you had tried enticing him with sex, but he never replied how he normally would. After a couple of revealing photos and a shameless message about wanting him, he only sent back, 'You shouldn't be sending these types of photos. Do you know what happens if someone else sees these?' So you stopped sending pictures. He had a point, you told yourself. And he was always losing his phone, you justified. Deep down his answer still bothered you, though. He used to never take his hands off you when he was home. He loved teasing you and whispering praises into your skin. He loved talking in general. Random phone calls would begin with him saying he missed your voice and end with dirty promises of the night waiting for you. If you shut your eyes for too long you could still feel his hands on your hips and the nape of your neck; his favorite way to pull you closer.

Paranoia set in during the last month you were together. Were you being too trusting? Were you not enough anymore? Should you be trying harder? Did he not love you anymore?

Normally you stayed away from his professional life. You would watch his music performances and the occasional variety show, but you knew it was a stage persona. You preferred to not get involved in the idol world, and he said he enjoyed the domestic constant of coming back to you where he didn't have to think about those things. You would listen to his stresses and troubles, but maybe it wasn't enough for him anymore. Maybe you should have tried to be more involved. Maybe he decided he needed someone who understood the industry more to empathize better. You were questioning yourself, and him, and every interaction the last few months, and you hated that. You hated doubting your relationship when you had been happy together for almost a year, but you couldn't help the thoughts from springing up.

A week before everything crashed down you texted his bandmates. They agreed to meet up with you immediantly and without question. You met with Jiyong, Daesung and Top for dinner at a restaurant they said they enjoyed. Youngbae appearently had plans with his girlfriend that night and couldn't make it. You were confident in calling them all close friends. You all got along really well, and would even hang out without your now ex around.

Jiyong saw something was off the second you sat in the booth across from him. His eyebrows furrowed, attempting to read the emotions that made your face twist into such a forced smile. Top, who was beside you, pointed at a beer on the table.

"I went ahead and ordered you a drink."

"Thank you," you replied easily. "It's good to see you guys again."

"Yeah, why haven't we seen you lately?" Daesung chirped. He was beside Jiyong diagonal from you. "Busy at work?"

"Works always the same," you chuckled half-heartedly. "I don't know. Maybe it's because I know you've been really busy. But I missed you guys. How are you? You're just about done promoting at this point, right?"

"Thank fuck," Top huffed with a slight smirk. He took a sip of his own beer, so you did the same. Daesung was about to go off on telling you a story when Jiyong interrupted.

"Cut the bullshit, Y/N. Cut it right now. I know you hate small talk. What's actually going on?" The way his eyes seemed to study you made you shift in your seat. His tone wasn't harsh, but firm. He knew you could be stubborn, but he wanted to help. He couldn't do that if you didn't say what was wrong. Him and Top were freakishly good at noticing when someone was hurting. Jiyong just pointed it out more. You understood that. It didn't keep you from anxiously picking at the label on your beer. You lowered your voice.

"Have you guys noticed Seunghyun acting...weird?" They all exchanged glances, and that only escalated your heartbeat. Top was the first to reply.

"Is something wrong?" You sighed tiredly.

"I'm starting to worry there is." Jiyong sat straighter and asked,

"Why?"

"He hardly talks to me anymore," you admitted defeatedly, staring where your nails ripped the label on your drink. "I've tried not to be clingy or whiny about it, but you know how much he loves the sound of his own voice." That got a chuckle out of Daesung. "I'm worried."

"For him?" Jiyong questioned. You swore you heard a little bit of hope in his tone. You brushed it off as him not wanting to see his friends relationship devolve.

"For him, for us, for everything. I've been trying to figure it out. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it's impossible when he won't tell me what's wrong. We've always been able to talk to eachother about everything." You got even quieter. "I know you're a lot closer to him, but please be honest with me. Is he cheating on me?" Looking up, their faces were shocked. Jiyong reached across the table with a concerned expression and took one of your hands in both of his.

"No, no sweetheart," the leader cooed. "He would never do that. Don't even think about asking that again." He chewed on his bottom lip a moment. "I'm sure he's just stressed and sleep-deprived. Have things gotten that bad?" You gingerly pulled your hands into your own lap.

"I don't know." Your voice cracked on the last word. You cleared your throat to continue. "I can't do this much longer, though. He doesn't even acknowledge my messages saying I miss him and want to talk to him anymore. All I get are texts saying he's not coming to my place till late or not at all. He doesn't even bother with excuses anymore. I haven't seen him in person in over two months. Months, Jiyong. I'm trying, but it's like I'm not even dating him anymore. He keeps getting further away, and I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I don't understand if he wants to break up with me why he won't just tell me."

"That's not true," Top told you squarely. "The breaking up part. He still never shuts up about how much he loves you."

"That's even more confusing," you pleaded. The sympathy gleaming in his eyes settled your emotions partially. His face had always been very expressive, if you knew what to look for. He could hide his feelings about as well as you. Which is to say not at all. Your face gave away everything just like his.

"Why don't we trick Seungri into seeing you?" Daesung suggested suddenly. Shifting your gaze, the cheery boy was smiling. "We can tell him to come to dinner and you'll be there."

"Or we can sneak you into the studio," Jiyong said excitedly. He slammed a palm on the table, sitting back in the booth. "There's a ton of practice rooms. I'll take you to mine. It's soundproof, and no one will interrupt you."

"Forget my idea," Daesung agreed. "It'll be super easy to get Seungri to go there."

"You in?" He was pointing at Top who shrugged. Jiyong beamed. "Awesome. Tomorrow morning. Meet us in the parking deck behind the building. You'll get your answers, Y/N. I promise. I hate seeing you so upset."

"I don't...know," you replied slowly. "I've avoided your studio for so long. What if someone catches me? What if you get in trouble?"

"What if he breaks down and tells you everything the moment he sees you? Isn't it worth risking?" You wrung your hands together. He had a point.

"He's worth any risk," you declared. A little more to yourself, but same impact. You sighed, chuckling nervously. "I really hope you're right Jiyong and I'm just being a paranoid idiot."

"No one thinks you're an idiot," Top said softly. Daesung squealed happily.

"This is gonna be so romantic. You'll surprise him and he'll apologize and you'll kiss and happy endings all around."

"Life isn't a drama, Dae," Top sighed.

No. Dramas made sense.


	2. Comfort In Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and angst with sexual tension undertones.

Seunghyun hadn't even been at the studio the next morning. Or the next. You could see Jiyong worrying with you then. It was a bit comical how you had to calm him down when you had been dealing with this for months.

"Alright. It's official, sweetheart," the leader declared on the second morning after learning he was away filming for the next week. "I have sunday morning off. I'm coming over to your place and we're getting trashed. You need to relax for a night. I have no clue how you've handled this by yourself until now. I would've gone insane after one week. Don't try and argue with me. I won't let you spend another night alone." He shook his head. "Fuck it. I'm coming over tonight, too."

"Aw, Ji-Ji cares about me," you teased. He pouted.

"Don't mock me just cause I'm more emotional than you." You flattened your smile some, becoming more serious.

"Trust me when I say that this is tearing me apart, Jiyong. It's...torture waiting for him every night. I keep jumping at the slightest sound. Like my neighbor dropping something. Last night my heart felt like it was gonna leap out of my chest staring at the bedroom door because the fan turned on." You laughed bitterly. "He never even told me he would be away filming this week. I hate feeling like this, but I won't let it overwhelm me. That's what you're calling being less emotional. I just...don't want to show how much it hurts. I want to be strong."

"Sweetheart," the boy sighed, bringing his arms around to hug you. "It's okay to let it hurt. Your feelings are valid, too. Seungri has no right neglecting you like this. We're here for you." He pulled away and offered you a small smile. You nodded, throat tightening. You had never been good at doing what he said; allowing your emotions to matter. It was a process to train yourself that crying and things like that weren't you being weak, but human. It was a healthy reminder. "I should be done with my schedules at ten, but then I'll go straight to you, okay?"

"Okay." Jiyong began turning, but you stopped him for a moment longer. "Hey. Thank you. You don't have to be this nice to me, but you are. I'm very grateful to have a friend like you." His cheeks dusted pink, chuckling and looking away in embaressment.

"I know you'd do the same for me."

"Have a good day at work," you waved. He saluted lazily with two fingers.

"Catch you tonight."

You had immediantly gone to your apartment to clean after work. Not much needed to be done, but you wanted Jiyong to be comfortable, and it made you feel better knowing everything was tidy. It gave you a sense of accomplishment for the day.

After putting your chill playlist of music on shuffle you browsed through your phone waiting for Jiyong to knock. Having had them stay the night before you didn't think twice about sitting around in your pajama shorts and an old shirt. Three echoing raps on your front door made you jump. It was only nine, but you figured he got off early. Instead you opened the door to see Top standing there. He was holding a plastic bag of something, long coat mostly covering the fact he was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie.

"Hey, kitten," he greeted. You weren't sure why he called you that, but he's done it since you first met so it didn't matter. It was like Jiyong calling you sweetheart or Youngbae calling you kid. "I'm sorry I didn't text ahead of time," he apologized. "Can I come in?" A bright grin broke out over your face as you stepped aside.

"Of course you can, honey." One side of his mouth quirked up in the lop-sided smile you loved so much on him. The nickname had come about because he shared the same first name as Seungri. Since you didn't enjoy using their stage names you needed a way to avoid confusion. It started with you calling him Hyunnie that eventually morphed into honey. He told you he enjoyed it, so it stuck. Locking the door behind him while he took off his shoes and coat he said,

"Ji told me he was going to spend the night here so I thought you wouldn't mind if I joined. You don't, do you? I don't want to intrude." You strolled over to the sofa where you sat before.

"You're always welcome. Make yourself at home. There's drinks and leftover pizza in the fridge if you're hungry."

"Thanks." He walked to the kitchen on your left, the apartment having an open floor plan, and set the bag he carried on the counter. "This is for you, by the way." Curiousity took the main train of thought. You went over to open the bag.

"Headphones?"

"Noise-cancelling headphones," Top corrected, opening your fridge. "Because you can't sleep." Your grip on the small plastic packaging tightened.

"That's so thoughtful," you mumbled under your breath. "Thank you. Honestly. I never thought about that." The rapper shrugged. You worked on finding scissors to open the plastic. Top shut the fridge holding two slices of pizza in his mouth, one on top of the other like a strange sandwhich, opening a water bottle. He chewed while you opened his gift. You were still in awe. Top always surprised you like this. He may not say something like Jiyong, but he showed you he cared in other ways. He was a private person so generally he left others privacy in tact too, not wanting to pry into the why someone was upset. Only that he can do something to make them happier.

Last time something like this happened you had gotten into a fight with your now ex, and Top didn't hesitate to take your side, dragging you to the nearest theater to watch the latest corny romantic comedy and poke fun at the bad acting and such throughout. He got you to laugh. It made you feel close with him.

"I'll go put these by my bed. Be right back," you announced, already walking away. You plugged your phone into its charger, plugged the headphones into the phone, and left it there for when you went to sleep later. Coming out of the bedroom Top was settled comfortably on the left side of your couch, most of the pizza sandwhich already consumed. The music was off and he was browsing for a movie on the tv. You plopped down beside him.

"What are you in the mood for?" He asked.

"Doesn't matter as long as it's happy."

"Seungri is a bastard."

"What?" you laughed in disbelief. That was out of nowhere. He didn't take his eyes off the screen, but you were solely focused on him. When he swallowed his jaw clenched, but otherwise stayed stoic.

"Seungri, your boyfriend, is a bastard. What kind of idiot ignores his girlfriend when she says she misses him? Especially you. He crossed the line when he made you cry."

"How do you know I've cried?" You tried to sound challenging, but his side glance shut you up.

"Don't pretend. Not around us. We know better." He finished the pizza. After licking his fingers clean of grease his arm came around your shoulder, pulling you against his side. You were about to fight it, but it had been so long since someone held you like that. He was warm. It felt nice. His thumb stroked your arm. You settled, tucking your legs under you, hugging a nearby pillow and leaning your head on his shoulder. His hoodie smelled like peaches and vaguely of smoke.

He wound up playing some B comedy movie with over-acted slapstick and horrendous jokes. The movie didn't matter, though. Your chest still ached some, but the peaceful contentment of sitting beside another person and relaxing calmed you. You had missed cuddling more than you thought it turned out. But Top knew. Somehow he always knew what you needed. Or maybe he missed holding someone and this was a pleasant side-effect.

The further into the movie you got, the closer to falling asleep you were. Tops hand had drifted down to your waist. He was so comfortable to lay on. Maybe that was the thick hoodie, but still. Eventually you gave up, closing your eyes and nuzzling closer. His fingers absent-mindedly played with the excess material that was bunched up on your shirt.

You weren't sure how long you stayed like that before Jiyong knocked. You rubbed the drowsiness from your eyes and quickly got up to answer the door. He burst in happily and hugged you tightly. You laughed and worked on matching his energy level better.

"Your loyal and handsome best friend has arrived," he grinned. "You're welcome."

"Hi to you too, Jiyong." You couldn't hold back your smile. His cheerfulness was infectious. He kicked off his shoes.

"Oh hey! Seunghyun did decide to come. Whatcha watching?"

"Some bad comedy," you replied for him. "It's almost over at this point anyway."

"Okay. I'm gonna go use your shower real quick. Do you have clothes I can borrow?"

"Yeah, sure." You went with him into your bedroom and tossed some sweatpants and one of your oversized shirts his way. "Do you need my underwear, too?" you asked dryly.

"Too lacey. I prefer silk," he threw back jokingly, making you laugh.

"A man of delicate taste. Well you know where the towels are, and when you get out there's drinks and pizza in the fridge."

"Thanks. Hey, hold on there sweetheart." He caught your arm before you could leave. He pulled you in for another hug. "Are you okay? You look really tired."

"I am really tired," you chuckled.

"Don't stay up just because of us, okay? We'll still be here when you wake up." His fingers brushed down your arms as he pulled away.

"Thanks. I didn't realize how much I missed having someone around. So just...thank you."

"I get it. I hate sleeping at the dorm alone."

"Then come over here. You know you're welcome anytime." He smiled bashfully.

"Ill remember that." You asked Top about getting him more water when you went back to the main living space. Instead of answering he shot back,

"Why do you always insist on acting fine when this stuff happens?" You grabbed your left arm with your right hand, shifting awkwardly beside the sofa.

"What stuff do you mean?"

"Fighting with Seungri. You always say what's on your mind. That's part of why I like you so much, and why you get along so well with us. But the minute Seungri does something to hurt you you isolate yourself. He can be a major pain in the ass, and you need to start getting mad. We know you're not fine, but you don't have to be alone."

"I try not to think about it," you shrugged half-heartedly.

"If I was the one being given the cold shoulder by a partner would you accept that as an answer?" You rolled your eyes, but knew he was right. You sighed and sat on the right end of the couch.

"No."

"So talk." You took up the same pillow from earlier and hugged it to your stomach, pulling your legs under you to face him better.

"It feels like I've been living alone lately. I mean technically I did before, but he was here so often." It was a start. You weren't going to cry, though. Not in front of people anyway. "Being with him had become so routine. I liked that, though. He would come back and eat with me and watch tv or just sit together, and I'd fall asleep with him holding me. There were variables obviously, but those things always happened. When he stopped showing up...the apartment became empty. It was too quiet, too cold. Since you go on tour a lot I was fine the first few weeks, but then a month had gone by and he was spending his nights at the studio and I...I mean I tried saying I could bring him lunch or something so I could see him, but he always turned me down and I didn't want to intrude or get in trouble for being at your work. I don't know honey, at some point I just needed to see him to know he was alright. It's been hard getting to sleep without him, too, and that sounds pathetic, but--"

"You don't sound pathetic at all," the tall rapper interrupted with a serious expression. "You're lonely." You looked towards the tv after nodding.

He didn't say much else the rest of the night. When Jiyong got out of the shower he didn't hesitate to sit in the center of the couch, drape a blanket over the both of you, and pull you in close to his side much like Top had done. His freshly dyed hair dripped colored water onto the collar of the borrowed shirt, staining it. It was old anyway so you didn't care. They found random sitcom re-runs to watch. Too tired to follow the storylines, you let your eyes fall closed after getting comfortable leaning on Jiyongs shoulder. Unlike Top who fiddled with your shirt, he carded his fingers through your hair. The slow, constant carresses lulled you quicker into sleep. You figured that had been his goal.

At some point in the night you vaguely recall being carried to bed, but in your half asleep state you couldn't be bothered to think too hard. After sinking into the softness of your mattress, without opening your eyes, you wrapped your fingers around an arm, mumbling,

"Please stay." There was a brief silence before the bed dipped. You rolled over, following the arm up until you could rest yours around their waist, face buried in their chest. When the body next to you embraced you back you smiled and hummed contentedly. Listening to their steady heartbeat, it didn't take long before your breathing matched his and you slipped back into dreams.


	3. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Highly suggestive themes. So much alcohol.

The next morning you woke up to a blaring alarm ringtone. Groaning, you looked around. Jiyong was laying on his stomach beside you, arm stretching out to the nightstand where his phone blasted music. When he reached it he tapped the dismiss button and rolled over onto his back, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. After a minute he froze suddenly, hands falling away and glancing in your direction. His cheeks heated up, blinking at you. You giggled at his cute expression and sat up, smoothing down your hair.

"Morning, sweetheart," you teased. He relaxed after seeing you weren't upset. His voice was rough replying,

"Good morning." You enjoyed his morning voice, you decided. It sounded like sunshine feels; bright and refreshing. It felt like he was breathing life into your apartment that had been dull and lonely lately. You rubbed the sleep from your eyes. Jiyong yawned and stretched, dragging his body to sit up. His hair stuck out in all directions, but he didn't seem to care. You nudged his shoulder with yours.

"You know, that's the best I've slept in weeks. I'm glad you stayed the night." He offered a tired smile.

"I forgot you're a morning person."

"Not particularly, but I feel well rested today."

"Anytime, sweetheart." The corners of your mouth lifted and you stood up. Walking to his side of the bed you grabbed his hands and pulled lightly.

"Come on. You have work today."

"I'm getting up," the boy griped. "Give me a minute."

"If I give you a minute you'll fall back asleep." Another tug. He moaned his protest, but got to his feet anyway. He trudged to the bathroom.

Going to the main living area you found Top sprawled out across the sofa with a blanket half off of him, hood twisted around his head, out cold. You sat on the edge of a cushion and gently shook his shoulder. Nothing. A little harder. Still nothing. Having the genius brain you did, you selected a loud piece of music on the tv, turned the volume way up, stepped back, and hit play.

Top startled awake, jumping up and looking around frantically. You were laughing as you stopped the song. Jiyong flung the bathroom door open yelling,

"What the fuck?!" The scene was so comical to you.

"I'm sorry," you gasped out. "I'm sorry I had to. That reaction was priceless." Top glared at you.

"I thought I was gonna have a fucking heart attack," Jiyong continued, clutching the borrowed shirt over his chest.

"You're evil," Top told you. A few seconds later he was laughing with you, though, so you guessed he wasn't mad.

It took a couple of minutes to calm down, but once you were the rest of the morning went smoothly. It was like a well-oiled machine. You had entertained the group enough times to know the drill for when they were hungover and had to work, just hungover, or like this. You cooked breakfast while they took turns in the bathroom getting ready, starting with whoever takes the longest, you all eat, and it's off to conquer the day. Or if they were hungover typically just surviving until lunch was fine. The rest of the day was uneventful.

Coming back that night, Jiyong brought a new bottle of whiskey and some soda to make mixed drinks with the alcohol you already had at the apartment. Top didn't show up that time. Not wanting to pry you didn't ask why.

Dinner was cooked by the time Jiyong arrived and was enjoyed with a rum and coke. He made it very clear his goal was to get you two totally hammered by the end of the night, and with the week you'd been having you weren't going to argue. After some lovely conversation over dinner he urged two shots of whiskey down your throat. You switched to gin and tonic. He kept the whiskey.

Sitting facing each other on the couch, Jiyong put on your chill playlist at a low volume for music and suggested a drinking game. Before you could even ask what game he was retrieving the whiskey and gin bottles, and the two shot glasses, setting them on the coffee table.

"This seems like a bad idea," you told him plainly. He scoffed.

"Of course it is! That's what makes it fun."

"Fine, but I'm not doing any stripping games."

"Nothing I haven't seen before, sweetheart," he blurted without thinking. In the next moment he wiped the smile from his face and focused on you, cheeks staining red. "I-I meant women in general. N-not you. I haven't seen you naked, obviously. Not that I would turn it down, I'm sure you're gorgeous--I mean you are gorgeous, b-but--"

"Jiyong," you said calmly, putting a hand on his knee. He laughed at himself and brushed it off.

"Right. Foot, mouth, shutting up."

"Good boy." You winked and took your hand back. Despite his slightly flirty nature, you knew he wasn't some playboy. You'd always known Jiyong, not G-Dragon, and Jiyong could be very bashful around women he doesn't know. A gentleman to ones he does. He was a good person. You trusted him never to try anything while you were taken. It had been almost a year; he would've tried by then if he wanted. He wasn't the type to have alterior motives. If you needed proof you could look at all the times he had been drunk and spent the night. Even the night before. He slept with you, but never tried to do anything but hold you, which you asked for. In the morning there were no surprises either. He wasn't attracted to you. He was one of your closest friends. You'd trust him to the end. "So what game did you have in mind?"

"I don't know," Jiyong shrugged. "I was hoping you had one." You racked your brain for a game you could play without needing anything besides booze.

"Ooh! I know!" It was the perfect time to play what you had in mind. You were tipsy, but could still think pretty quickly. "Have you ever played 'If you know what I mean'?"

"No. What is it?"

"So we pick a setting like a restaurant or a concert or something and we each take turns saying an innuendo or euphemism relating to that. First one who can't think of one takes a shot. I played it in college. It's great for dirty minds."

"What's an example?" You set your drink aside, knowing you tended to gesture a lot.

"Like if the setting is a restaurant I can say 'I heard they leave big tips around here, if you know what I mean.' Then you'd reply with something like 'I really love how they butter their buns.' Get it?"

"Ooooohhh yeah yeah. Sure. I'll destroy you," he chuckled darkly. He sipped his whiskey. "Let's do a setting I know to get the hang of it. A concert."

"Sure. You start." Jiyong smirked.

"I plan on getting sweaty tonight, if you know what I mean." This was too easy, you thought. Did he forget you dated Seungri?

"I heard they really know how to dance, if you know what I mean."

"The last time I went to one of these it lasted for hours, if you know what I mean."

"I always leave with a sore throat, if you know what I'm saying." He chuckled at that one.

This went on for some time. Eventually you started using the same ones over, and Jiyong was swaying in place. He lost three times and you lost four, but it was the fact that throughout both of you still sipped from your normal drinks that did you in. You were both giggling messes. At some point Jiyong tossed his shirt off somewhere claiming to be too hot. It didn't phase you. It's not like you hadn't seen him shirtless before. Plus you felt a little warm too, but kept enough awareness to not strip.

"This is the happiest I've been in so long," you admitted after one of your laughing fits. "Shit, I can't remember the last time I laughed this much." Jiyong scrunched his eyebrows together with a look of disbelief.

"You didn't tell me that." He put his empty whiskey glass down. You stopped him from pouring more.

"You're done for tonight, buddy. I don't want you puking." He pouted but listened.

"Were you and Seungri having problems before all this happened?"

"I don't think we did," you answered honestly. "I was content. We weren't fighting."

"That doesn't mean your relationship was good." He waved his hands dramatically. "That ass clown wouldn't know how to tell you his feelings if you handed him a script. Like yesterday, I called him. He picked up. Fucking denied being away filming. To be honest even I'm starting to think he's cheating on you. Fucking dickface. We're all gonna kick his ass next time he shows up at work don't worry. Youngbae and Seunghyun were fuming." You paused.

"You talked to him?" Your voice was much softer. Jiyong didn't notice.

"I meant to tell you, but you were so sleepy and then you curled up against me and you were so cute I couldn't. I actually understand why Seunghyun calls you kitten now. I just wanted to protect you." He leaned forward, pinching your cheeks. You laughed and pushed his hands away. He grinned. "Don't think about it tonight. Ask me tomorrow."

"Fine, fine," you replied. "But only cause you're adorable." He clasped his hands together and giggled at the compliment. Your face hurt from smiling so much.

"I'm happy I can still make you happy."

"I hope I do the same for you."

"Oh always are you kidding me?" Jiyong stood, but stumbled slightly. "Hanging out with you is better than sex!" He snorted. "Almost."

"I think it's time for bed," you decided. Seeing him rock precariously back and forth on his toes worried you. "Would you...sleep with me again? In my bed I mean? It felt really nice. Not being alone."

"Let's go baby," he answered in a tone to make you laugh more. The night was staying light-hearted despite the reason it came about which you appreciated. "I should've warned you last night. It was inevitable you'd want more." You both began fumbling toward your bedroom, using furniture and walls for support. Jiyong gave up halfway and put his hands on your shoulders to be guided.

"You should have a sign," you joked. He barked out a laugh.

"I like it when a woman tries to tame the dragon."

"Did you just call yourself a dragon in third person?" You collapsed on the covers. Jiyong landed beside you, his bright laughter filling up the space.

"Who said I was talking about myself?" Another round of hysterics. The innuendo game had really put your minds in the gutter and you were loving it.

"I love you so much, Jiyong."

"I love you too, sweetheart. Come here." Turning, he gathered you in his arms so your head was on his chest, legs twisted together, the arm under you resting on your waist. "Get comfortable, kitten. I'm not going anywhere." You splayed your more free hand at the base of his ribs, feeling him breathe. "Out of curiousity how long has it been since you had sex?" Having fuzzy brain, you didn't give the sudden query a second thought.

"Like three months," you sighed. "You?"

"Like five." Your head shot up.

"Days?" One corner of his mouth quirked up, chuckling breathily.

"No, months. Who do you think I am?"

"So since your last girlfriend?" He nodded. "We need to get laid." More chuckles from the man beneath you.

"I need a girlfriend," he corrected. "You'll be fine once Seungri gets back. If he was here right now I'd be on the couch while you two fucked making me listen."

"When have we ever done that?" you questioned indignantly.

"You're not exactly stealthy, sweetheart," Jiyong smirked, amused. "I figured out you were vocal the first time I slept over here." To make fun of you he raised the pitch in his voice and made it breathier, calling out, "oh fuck! Yes! Please don't stop!" He bit his lip and moaned for extra effect. "Sound familiar?"

"D-don't do that..." you stammered softly. Your face felt like it was burning. A rush of heat went between your legs.

"I like teasing you," Jiyong continued. "Why? Embarressed hearing how you sound?" His pitch raised again. "I'm gonna cum! Fuck me!" An absurdly lewd moan fell from his lips. He laughed, but halted immediantly when you said,

"It's really turning me on." His eyes widened a fraction, swallowing the sudden lump in his throat.

"Oh..." You hid your face in his chest.

"I'm sorry. Forget I said that." Goosebumps rose on your skin following his fingertips down your arm. He braided your fingers together on his chest.

"So you like others being vocal, too," he whispered. "I'm definintely abusing this power over you."

"Shut up," you muttered weakly. You didn't really want him to, but the conversation was leaning into dangerous territory. He kissed the top of your head.

"Relax, sweetheart. I'm only joking. Sleep well."

"Sweet dreams, Jiyong." It was easy for you to relax into him again. It was easy to ignore his words as whiskey.

Another random nudge into half consciousness happened later. You were just on the verge of sleep when Jiyong carefully slid out from under you. You were going to whine about being cold suddenly, but heard the bathroom door shut and kept quiet. Drinking does that, you thought absently. Only after a minute or two you didn't hear flushing or running water of any kind. Instead your whole body stiffened when you heard a muffled, high-pitched moan. You flipped to your back and looked over to where the light peaked out from under the door. A second moan echoed from inside, and there was no mistaking what Jiyong was doing. In your still mostly hazy mindset you were torn between loving and hating the thin walls in your apartment.

"Shit..." his soft, airy voice carried over to you. You found yourself leaning closer, listening intently. "Just like that...fuck me, sweetheart." A more desperate groan ripped from his throat. You rubbed your thighs together, the sounds pouring from his mouth making you ache. Without realizing it your hand had slipped down beneath your underwear and was rubbing circles into your clit. You shut your eyes and sped them up, focusing on keeping quiet while you listened to Jiyongs fantasy play out in half sentences. "Please...please...fuck..." A broken moan let you know he finished.

Frustrated you couldn't get off with him, and not brave enough to try before he came out, you took your hand back and tucked yourself in under the covers. When he joined you in bed a minute later he paused, realizing you were awake.

"W-were you...?" He didn't have the heart to finish the question. You chuckled quietly and put yourself in the same position as before on his chest.

"Oh I heard everything, sweetheart." He tensed under you. "Don't worry. I get it." You entwined your legs with his. "You can't help it. I'm a little flattered." You hugged him close. Jiyong relaxed, laying a palm to cover your hand on his stomach. Lowering your volume you added, "you have a sexy voice. I was almost able to cum myself just listening to you." You ignored the hitch in his breath, sleep overcoming anything else.


	4. Not Enough Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungri returns.

Waking up was jarring to say the least. The first thing your brain registered was your room light being switched on. The brightness stabbed your senses and brought attention to your aching body. Mostly stomach and head, but feeling like crap exagerrated some of the pain. Before you even opened your eyes you moaned groggily and shifted. You were on your back, but the weight of another body confused you momentarily. An arm was slung across your middle, head resting on your shoulder, lower half pinned by his. The arm trapped under him was bent, fingers tangled in slightly damaged hair. For a second you were able to enjoy the bliss of waking up next to someone without an alarm, breath tickling your neck. Then a voice cracked open the dream-like state and your eyes snapped open.

"What the actual fuck?!" Jiyong woke at the loud noise, doing the same as you had, groaning and squirming slightly. The arm around your middle curled tighter. He was battling for consciousness. Still half asleep, you argued in your head he wasn't thinking when his lips brushed the sensative skin of your neck, making you shiver.

"Go back to sleep," his sunshine voice mumbled. The new voice piped up once more.

"I repeat, what the actual fuck? Jiyong?" You both darted up at the same time, scrambling to untangle your limbs as the voice was recodnized. Seungri stood in the doorway to your bedroom. His expression kept shifting from mad to confused to betrayed to upset, his thoughts racing trying to find out how what he was seeing was real.

"Before you get upset," Jiyong quickly spoke up. You were paralyzed. He was standing there. He was standing five feet away from you and he looked just as handsome as you remembered. A minor bitter taste filled your mouth. How could he look so fine when you had been falling apart? Jiyong continued to rattle off an explanation while Seungris eyes darted back and forth between the two of you. "Nothing happened. We were drinking last night and fell asleep together. That's it. I swear. You know I would never do something like have sex with your girlfriend."

"Then why the fuck are you shirtless and clinging to her like you just finished fucking her? Why were you drinking alone with him in the first place? Are you even wearing pants?" Jiyong threw back the covers instantly, showing his sweatpants and you still fully clothed. You shivered at the abrupt chill.

"See? Pants. We only slept. I must've moved in my sleep. Please--" Jiyong froze suddenly. His expression morphed from pleading to upset. "Wait. No. I'm still mad at you for ignoring Y/N. How could you do that? I know work hasn't kept you that busy." The leader stood from the bed. "Do you have any idea how miserable she is? If you're cheating on her at least have the balls to break up with her instead of stringing her along."

"You think I'm cheating?!"

"What else would you think if your boyfriend hasn't fucked you or even seen you in months?!" Seungri took a deep breath, lowering his voice and coming over to sit on the edge of the bed near you.

"I'm sorry I worried you, baby, but I promise I'm not cheating. I could never hurt you like that."

"Where were you?" Your voice came out small and cracked. He took up one of your hands, holding tightly. "I was afraid I'd never see you again. I've been so terrified you don't love me anymore. What could possibly have kept you away for so long?"

"I don't--I can't--ugh..." Seungri didn't look away from you. "Can I please talk to my girlfriend alone?"

"You don't deserve to call her that," Jiyong grumbled.

"No, please stay," you pleaded, watching the leader stop on his path to the door. Your gaze flickered back to Seungri as you retracted your hand from his into your lap. "He's going to hear it anyway. Talk." Seungri sighed, thinking of the right words to say.

"I'm sorry." You scoffed in disbelief.

"That's it? Seungri, it doesn't even feel like we're dating anymore. You've ignored me and turned me away. This might as well become just my apartment again considering you haven't stayed here in three months." He flinched at the use of his stage name. You only did that if you were pissed off. You were keeping your composure pretty well so far, though. "Just be honest with me; do you want to break up?" The silence that followed was too long. Tears welled up in your eyes, throat constricting.

"I...don't know..." he replied in a whisper. "I still love you. I still love you so much, baby. But...lately...I've taken time to think ahead, and I can't picture a future together. Not like you want. I eventually want to get married and have kids and a house with a dog running around. Imagining you beside me...you feel so out of place."

"I could want those things eventually," you replied weakly. Seungri took your face in his hands and kissed your forehead.

"I love you so much, Y/N...its killed me staying away from you, but I needed a break to clear my head. You're the longest relationship I've ever had, and I think I got..." Another sigh, hands dropping. "Stuck isn't the right word. Everything was the same all the time. There was nothing new. When I tried dropping hints about wanting to get married eventually you seemed really put off by the idea. I didn't know what to do so I left to think through everything. I didn't think you'd run into someone elses arms while I was gone."

"It was only two nights, Seungri, and it was sleeping." You strengthened your voice, irritated. "You could have told me. You could have talked to me. No I'm not ready to get married yet, but that doesn't mean I don't want to ever. You really went over the line, Seungri. How am I supposed to feel about all this? Our relationship was boring to you?"

"I don't know."

"You can't picture us together in five years?"

"I don't know."

"Then...maybe it is best we break up." As the words left your mouth even you couldn't believe it. You swiped at your eyes to keep the tears from falling. "There's no point staying together if you're not satisfied with our relationship. It's a waste of both our times. And I won't wait around for you to decide if you want to fight to stay together or not anymore. I don't want to be the cause of you feeling stuck. That's not fair to either of us."

"Baby--"

"Don't ever call me that again," you snapped. He backed away slightly. "Three months, Seungri. This isn't a movie. It feels like I've been grieving our relationship for two months. You shouldn't have to question your love for someone like this. You just love them." Desperate, he leaned forward to kiss you, but you turned your head away, stopping him. "You've made your thoughts very clear, and I'm tired of having all my efforts ignored. I don't think you can fix this anymore..."

"I can try," he argued. He held your jaw and kept you still while he pressed his lips to yours. It was short and lifeless. "I know you're right. I know it isn't fair, but I don't want to lose this. I can't stand the thought of another guy touching you. Stay with me a little longer. I can prove it was worth these last few months. Please." Another, firmer kiss. You could feel your resolve crumbling. The glue that held you together was Jiyong speaking up.

"She's not a toy." Both of your gazes went to look at him standing at the foot of the bed. His arms were crossed over his chest, stare piercing through you, studying the exchange carefully. "Just because you're not brave enough to be alone doesn't mean you should hold Y/N back from finding someone who will love her unconditionally. She deserves better and you know it." Now that you thought about it, Jiyong and honey had always been the ones holding you together. Any time you needed comfort or advice you'd go to them. Not Seungri. Seungri would make you laugh, but it would be patchwork. They would actually be the ones to mend you back together. You decided not to give Seungri another chance to speak. You shoved his hand away and moved off the bed on the opposite side from him.

"I think you should go." Seungri opened his mouth to retort, but you interrupted. "I'm agreeing with Jiyong. I won't be given false hope in an empty relationship. I think it's time we both found someone who's more...compatible with what we want. I'll give you time to pack a bag, but I think it's best if you go back to your dorm." He tried to walk around to you, but Jiyong stopped him.

"You're seriously taking her side?" He questioned the leader. "I thought you'd be all for us making things right."

"You weren't around to see what you've put her through," he answered sharply. "My sympathy for you has been used up." Turning, he took your arm, and you followed him out to the living room. Once there you immediantly wrapped him in a hug. You buried your face in the crook of his neck. It was almost scalding. How was his skin so hot?

"Thank you," you said gratefully. He returned the embrace. "You have no idea how much that meant to me; you defending me, I mean. I don't know if I would've been brave enough on my own." He leaned his head onto yours.

"I know you would have. You're a lot stronger than you think."

"Stay with me until hes gone?"

"I'll stay as long as you need me, sweetheart." After a few beats of silence you asked,

"Pancakes and bacon?" Jiyong released you, but kept a arm slung over your shoulder as he scoffed.

"Is there any other hangover breakfast?"

Since Jiyong gave you proper warning that he was spending the night you went out and bought more food. Fixing his favorite breakfast occupied your mind away from the fact that Seungri was in your bedroom still. Your moral support was yanking his t-shirt back over his head and cleaning up from the night before. It didn't take long so he sat on the couch and went on his phone. Soon the apartment smelled like bacon and pancakes. You handed him his plate and sat beside him with yours, turning on the tv to watch re-runs of a show you both enjoyed.

Starved, it didn't take long for your plates to be empty. Jiyong even grabbed seconds. He offered to do the dishes.

"You cooked, I'll clean," he said. Dishes were your least favorite chore so he didn't hear any protest from you. You kissed his cheek.

"Thank you. I'm gonna hop in the shower. Be out in a little bit." Heat creeped up his neck, smiling shyly.

"You're welcome." You steeled yourself before going to your room for fresh clothes. Seungri froze mid-action, shutting the drawer you gave him for his stuff when he stayed over. He watched you wordlessly get a change of clothes from the same dresser. His hand wrapped around your arm before you could walk away. The pained, defeated look on his face almost made you feel bad about acting so coldly. His mouth opened and closed a few times, unable to decide on what to say, but wanting to say something.

"I love you." You averted your eyes. You couldn't see his pitiful expression anymore. You jerked your arm free, and this time he didn't stop you.

"That's not enough anymore."

You showered faster than you ever had before. You needed to be by your support so you didn't break down. It wasn't something you could allow yourself; crying while he was still there. When you came out Jiyong was texting on his phone, feet propped up on the coffee table. You set a pillow on his lap. He automatically lifted his arms to allow you to settle, laying your head on the pillow and curling up to watch tv. He put his phone aside. Jiyong moved some of your damp hair further from your face, tucking it behind your ear. Your friend sighed and pulled a blanket over you then rested a hand on your shoulder. In that moment Seungri came out, a bag slung over his shoulder. You didn't look up. When the front door shut you let out the breath you didn't realize you'd been holding. The air seemed thinner in your apartment.

"Are you okay?" The question broke through the cracks and you felt tears gather in your eyes. You turned over to hide your face in his shirt. When you started shaking, finally letting the sobs take over, he held you tighter to his chest. Your head throbbed with the pressure, gasping as you fell apart. Not even Jiyong would stop it. "Cry all you need to, sweetheart," he crooned. "I'm not leaving."

Somehow you ended up in his lap. You felt like a pathetic child. When you had calmed down you were exhausted. Throughout you would have bouts of relative calm, but then a new thought would surface and you'd fall right back to the tremors. Your face was red and you'd stained his shirt with tears.

"I don't know what to do to make you feel better."

"Just stay," you whispered, knowing your voice was hoarse. "I can't be alone right now. Is that okay?"

"Of course that's okay. I'd do anything for you, Y/N."

"Do you think he hates me for not giving him a chance?"

"Honestly, I think you've given him too many chances. It's a miracle you've put up with his bullshit this long." You huffed out a laugh.

"Thanks. Don't you have work this afternoon?"

"Not anymore I don't. Who do you think I've been texting?"

"Ji, you don't have to do that. Works more important."

"It's just studio time. I re-scheduled." He brought your face up to look at you. You swiped at your eyes quickly. A lop-sided half smile tugged on his lips. "You're my priority right now. I know how difficult it can be getting over someone alone. I'm not putting you through that. You shouldn't feel alone ever." The lump in your throat returned. You caught your lower lip between your teeth to hide the trembling as you buried your face in his neck again. If it was even possible you got closer to Jiyong. "Did I say something wrong?" he panicked. You hummed what you hoped he understood as a negative.

"No one has ever said that to me before," you told him with an uneven voice. His arms squeezed around you. He didn't know what else to do but sit and stroke your hair and your back. The comforting touch kept you grounded. Kept you from sinking into yourself.

That's why you were so grateful he stayed. By yourself you knew you'd get trapped in your head, overthinking, over-analyzing, spiraling through the same bullshit until you fell asleep. Or you would get so shit-faced to numb yourself you'd blackout and send stupid texts to whoever would listen. Go out in search of bad choices. A sort of self destruct for you. Make mistakes to quasi-punish yourself so the new regrets smother the old pains. Rinse and repeat. Maybe Jiyong had done the same in the past and was trying to protect you. You couldn't know for certain. Even if you asked it was more likely he'd provide a non answer. Everyone has their secrets. Jiyong never spoke about his past with people who hurt him. Not in detail anyway. Just a short, 'we stopped talking' or 'that was forever ago'. That was a part of him you accepted you'd never know. There were things only you knew about yourself, too. But you liked to think you understood eachother.


	5. Fxxk Away The Pain*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiyong just wants to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahoy.

The day went by faster than normal it felt like. After forcing takeout into your mouth at dinner Jiyong allowed you to start drinking. If nothing else it would help the both of you sleep better. While he didn't mind being there while you cried in the morning he had been doing a good job of keeping you happy the rest of the day and would prefer it stay that way.

He went slower than the previous night, and while you didn't take shots your drinks weren't a joke either. The alcohol burned rushing down your throat at first, but got better after each glass. Jiyong cut you off after you fell coming back from the bathroom. There would be a nice patch of rugburn on your elbow and a table corner shaped bruise on your hip for a few days. The water he pushed at you was cold. You were reluctant, but knew he was trying to make the next morning bearable. You both laughed on the couch as he examined the irritated skin on your elbow.

"I mean two rugs in this apartment and you fall on the smaller one," Jiyong lamented. "How did you survive before me?" You let your hand fall into your lap, rocking forward and giggling.

"My charm and ridiculously good looks?"

"Only if charm is another way of saying luck." The room jilted and you lost your balance rocking, catching yourself on his thigh. Not thinking you lifted your feet onto the couch and turned so your head rested by his knee on his leg. "Smooth."

"Always, hot stuff."

"Hot stuff?" he laughed.

"Yeah, your skin is really hot. You're like a heater."

"Oh good, cause I was worried you were calling me handsome for a second there," he said sarcastically. He forced you to lift your head briefly while he put his feet on the coffee table.

"If I was going to compliment your looks I'd call you sexy," you replied. On your side, you put a hand next to your head further up his thigh to keep yourself still. Plus it was more comfortable. You shot him a teasing grin. "Too bad I'm not complimenting you." He cocked an eyebrow, eyes raking up you like he was appraising you. There was something about the glint in his dark brown eyes that made your face warm. You hoped he didn't notice through the drunken flush already painted on your cheeks.

"Don't act all cute and cocky," he retorted easily. "You fucking loved listening to me last night in the bathroom, pervert." You couldn't contain your giggles, shifting your head to rest on the back of the hand you'd put on his thigh before. His leg was too boney to be comfortable.

"You weren't really quiet. Want to be listened to, pervert?" Jiyong threw his head back with laughter, leaving it there after he calmed down.

"Too horny to care."

"You do get pretty flirty when you're drunk," you pointed out. You could only catch one corner of his lips turn up from the angle you were at. His voice was lower when he replied. Quieter.

"Just less filtered."

"Well I think we proved last night you have the dirtier mind so that doesn't surprise me."

"For the record, there's a difference between flirty and horny."

"So what you're telling me is that last night you couldn't...tame the dragon?" Both his hands shot up to cover his face, chuckling nervously.

"That was the dumbest joke I've ever made about my dick ever."

"Oh I don't know. I think it's entertaining."

"You like teasing me too much."

"Only cause I like you." His palms dragged down his face and fell limp on either side of him, still staring at the ceiling.

"I'm glad I've earned your approval," he drawled monotonously. Then he added under his breath, "no wonder Seunghyun fell so hard for you." You tried to ignore the comment, but your smile dimmed. The longer you were silent the more worried he got. Jiyong lifted his head to see your smile was replaced by a more solemn look.

"Maybe falling hard doesn't always mean the best." He tilted his head in questioning, so you continued. "Maybe it should take longer."

"Kitten," Jiyong calmed. "Please don't get upset again. I shouldn't have brought it up." But it was too late. Tears welled in your eyes. He gathered you up in his arms similar to that morning. His tone became more urgent. "No no no no no please I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm shit at this please I hate seeing you like this." You did your best to stave off the tears, eyes darting across his worried features. His hands came up to either side of your jaw, holding your gaze. "I'm the worst friend in the world for making you cry. Shit..." There was a warmth in his eyes. His thumbs stroked your cheeks. The heat from the light touch stayed.

Without warning Jiyong closed the distance between you. His lips were soft. That was the first thing your mind registered. All your focus narrowed on to the sudden contact. Your heart beat was pouring rain against your chest. It was...loving. That was the word: loving. When he broke away he watched you carefully, cautiously. You hadn't been kissed like that in a long, long time. Like the other person was putting their heart into it, showing what words couldn't translate.

Putting action first, you fit your lips to his. He deepened it, and you moaned softly. There was no stopping it. You could feel the desire in you swell. His lips slid so perfectly against yours, putting just enough pressure to convey his desperation, but not enough to make it sloppy. You wanted him to touch more of you. You needed him to. You needed his body smothering yours, sweaty and panting and moaning. The craving for the familiarity of this type of intimacy consumed you. To feel wanted and beautiful, but most importantly, not lonely. To be connected to another person so deeply you drown. You needed the raw passion simmering just beneath his skin.

The past two nights you were content in his embrace, but it was like something had been switched. You didn't want contentment. You wanted satisfaction. It had been months since either of you had achieved that. You were just as desperate as him.  
Jiyong pulled back to catch his breath, resting his forehead to yours. He swallowed thickly, keeping his eyes shut as he rambled gently.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have--I couldn't stop--I didn't know--that was--"

"Shh," you interrupted. As kindly as possible you said, "make it better." Eyes fluttering open, he noticed you weren't on the verge of tears anymore. The sadness was replaced with need. "Can you make me feel better?"

"Are you sure this is okay?"

"I don't want you to stop."

"Me either." You were rushed to your feet. Jiyong kept you steady with hands on your waist. The next thirty seconds were a haze of kisses and awkward steps to your bedroom. But you made it in one piece. He took a step back to pull the shirt from his body. You mimicked him. His sweatpants went next. Before you could copy him his hands were on you again, mouth attacking your neck. He nipped the skin there, ripples of pleasure pulling a soft moan from you. "Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll make it better. Let me take care of you." Your shorts and underwear pooled around your ankles. Jiyongs hands grabbed your ass, pulling your body closer to his. "I promise to make it all feel better." With a whisper of his name he was gone.

A growl reverberated off the walls. Jiyong guided you to the bed, only releasing you long enough for you to lay down. You quickly tossed your last piece of clothing to the floor as he climbed on after you. He knelt at the foot of the bed and spread your legs with hands on your knees. His cock strained against his underwear.

"Fuck," the boy sighed. His head lowered, kissing the inside of your thigh and then the other one. "You're beautiful, sweetheart." A little closer to where you wanted him most. "So stunning." You felt his breath on your core as he hovered. "Is this okay?" The fact he asked was endearing, but unneccesary. Embarressingly breathless already you replied with a simple,

"Please." The air caught in your throat when he ran his tongue up your folds. Palms smoothed up your legs until they could hold your hips still. Jiyong flattened his tongue. You threw your head back, mewling, grappling at the sheets. You could feel him smirk before sucking on your clit, making sparks fly through your vision.

"Fuck! That feels so good." He dipped to your entrance, then back to circle your clit, moaning for good measure. The vibrations shook you. Your head was foggy, high on the much missed bliss of being with someone. You were just starting the feel the beginnings of the crescendo when his mouth left you. Jiyong wiped your arousal from around his mouth and chin before kicking off his underwear. You locked on to the heady look in his dark eyes as he moved up your body, leaving a path a sloppy kisses across your stomach. You writhed beneath him as his lips and tongue worked your breasts. He left fire in the wake of his fingertips and chills where his breath cooled the places his tongue had just traveled. Jiyong blindly grabbed one of your hands and braided your fingers together, pressing it into the mattress in an oddly intimate gesture. You hooked your legs around his waist without thinking. It captured his attention, halting his ministrations. He hovered above you, eyes swimming with raw, unfiltered hunger.

He kissed you slowly, allowing you to taste yourself on his tongue. Your hands went to his back and the nape of his neck, fingers going into the hair there. The weight that had been on your chest the last few weeks was gone. There was only Jiyong and this moment. Though you wanted to beg for him to be inside you, you wanted that moment to stretch on as long as it could. For a while, you were happy. For that one, perfect night the future didn't matter and you could revel in your shared satisfaction with no regrets or doubts.

"Are you ready, sweetheart?" Jiyong mumbled eagerly against your lips.

"Please Jiyong. I need you to fuck me." He rolled his bottom lip between his teeth, lining himself up with your entrance. The sensual slide of his hips was almost too much. He filled you so nicely, stretching your walls until he was fully inside you. Then he paused for you to adjust.

"Fucking hell," he exclaimed, voice uneven. "You feel better than I ever imagined. You're so perfect." His lips brushed your cheek. The corner of your mouth quirked up.

"Imagined this often, have you?" Face stained red you weren't sure if he blushed or not, but his signiture bashful smile appeared. With a roll of your hips he got the hint, pulling almost all the way out before thrusting back in. He started slow, watching your reactions.

"Does it feel good, sweetheart?" You groaned out an enthusiastic yes. Using the hand on his nape you brought him close enough so you could make a line of kisses down the side of his throat. Jiyong moaned as you did. You smirked a little.

"I definitely prefer hearing you moan like this instead of through a door." His hips went only the tiniest bit faster.

"I was just thinking the same thing." You beamed, pressing your head into the sheets. His lips brushed along your chest, the hand not supporting himself roaming up your body. Your skin tingled with lingering heat wherever he touched, lighting it on fire against the cold in the room. You didn't try to stop the sounds flowing from your mouth at the euphoric sensations he gifted you. He made everything better. He made you forget the constricting feeling that had been present all day in your chest. Replaced it by means of drunken ecstacy, all of his movements blurring together in your memory so you felt everything at once.

His face hid in the crook of your neck. You felt his lips move against you, breath fanning out as he panted your name. Fingers wandered to cup your breast, but decided to go to your hip instead. You yelped, a sudden jab of pain shooting up your side. Jiyong stopped and brought his face up to look at you.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you? Are you okay?"

"Fine, just...the bruise." His eyes raked down until he realized his thumb had dug into the deep purple splotch on your hip from your little tumble earlier. He couldn't get his hand away quick enough.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry." You shook your head.

"It's fine. Please don't stop. You feel amazing." Resuming his torturous pace, he chuckled when bringing his lips down to yours for a tender kiss.

"Quit stealing my lines."

"Then you say something," you offered cheekily. His amused smile simmered to a dangerous smirk. His lips continued to ghost over yours as he replied,

"It was really hard pulling my mouth away from your pussy. You taste delicious." A shudder ran down your spine when his tongue darted out to tease against yours. Jiyong shifted his weight to his forearms so his body pressed tightly to yours. A hand in your hair, his other snaked under you, forcing an arch in your back. The next time his hips met yours your breath hitched, jaw going slack. Nails scraped his back lightly.

"Fuck," you whimpered, sounding about as strung out as you felt. "R-right there, Jiyong." His lips brushed down your jawline, nipping your earlobe, then keeping his head there. His voice was so close when he breathed,

"Do that again. Say my name." His hips snapped forward roughly, making you call out. You made sure it was his name tumbling from your mouth. He groaned loudly, the sound intoxicating. "More," he demanded, voice strained. Jiyong picked up his rhythm and your mind went blank. "Come on, baby," he encouraged. "Give me more. I need to hear you." His long fingers curled into your mess of hair until he had leverage to pull, craning your neck to expose more skin. Jiyong nuzzled his nose into the underside of your jaw, leaving a fleeting kiss in the hollow there. "Such a good girl." He dragged his lips down the column of your throat until he felt you shudder, biting down on the sensative area before laving it with his tongue. You couldn't bring yourself to care the deep purple petal would be in an obvious spot. He was marking you possessively. The discolored skin stamped the night into your flesh to remind you who had made you feel this incredible, head dizzy. The coil inside you jerked tighter. Your nails scraped up his sides and around to dig into his shoulder blades, drawing red lines on his pale and inked skin. A moan escaped Jiyongs chest, bright and genuine. The pressure was building within you. You continuously moaned and whined, his name mixing in with every few exhales. Your muscles were tensing, preparing for the inevitable crash. One of your hands knotted in his hair. His breathing got more labored, quivering as it cascaded along the shell of your ear and down your neck. You started hearing Jiyongs voice alongside yours, mingling in the air and filling the room.

The perfect rocking of his body on top of yours, the friction, the stifling heat from his burning, sweat-slicked skin, his incessant musical moans pushing you further to your end. It was heaven. Each thrust you matched was hard, deep and pure sin. Passion and lust intertwined. You didn't want it to end, but your rising orgasm argued with you. Each time his hips met yours the pressure increased. If someone asked you then you would have said you had never been more thouroughly fucked in your life. He reached every inch of you. You couldn't speak. Jiyongs promises didn't disappoint. He made it all feel better, bodies alive in the purest sense, encased in his arms, hearts pressed together. You clenched your walls around his cock to stave off the building waves.

"Fuck," Jiyong gasped. "Oh fuck, just like that." His pitch raised. "Are you gonna cum?" Your body won out, air coming and going in shallower gulps. Unable to form words you nodded, nails digging harder into his skin. Jiyong lifted his head, but your eyes were screwed shut. "Then cum for me. You can do it, baby. Cum around my cock sweetheart." A few more thrusts later the dam broke and you spasmed around him, clinging to him, every inch of you pulsing with pleasure. Jiyong went into you harder, faster, chasing his own end while his name fell from your lips like a prayer. Blood rushed in your ears, but you could make out the distinct difference in his last few moans as he came deep inside of you.

His hips rolled lazily a couple more times to work you down from your high before stilling. Your eyes slid open. Jiyong was above you, face flushed, sweat gathering on his forehead so he was practically glowing, his longer locks of brightly colored hair falling around his face, hooded eyes gleaming, lips slightly parted and swollen from biting and kissing. He was beautiful. You pulled him down, crashing your lips to his. He urged you to go slower, softer. He put his hand on the side of your face so his thumb could stroke your cheek. You took his bottom lip between your teeth and tugged lightly, eliciting a small whimper. He carefully pulled out from you before breaking away completely.

"Stay still. I won't be long." You caught your breath and wiped the sweat from your own forehead waiting for him to return. When he did he was holding a cold, damp hand towel. After cleaning you both up he pulled back the covers and layed against your side. You wrapped your arms around him and mumbled tiredly,

"Thank you. That was amazing." His fingers traced patterns onto your back.

"I thought I told you to stop stealing my lines?"

"Maybe you should get new lines, then," you quipped back. His reply came as a whisper, barely audible over the rustling of the sheets as he settled further into the pillows.

"I love you." You kissed the center of his chest. Exhaustion took over, and you relaxed.


	6. Temporary Temptations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day.

The morning was worse than the day before as far as hangovers. When you woke there was ten seconds of peace. You barely registered the body next to you before your stomach lurched. You jolted awake and sprinted to the bathroom, feeling the bile rise just as you reached the toilet. Your stomach evacuated what little contents it had four times before you were given a break to breath. Blindly reaching, you yanked the towel from the wall to wrap around yourself, noting you were still naked and cold.

Wait.

You jerked forward, another round of disgusting noises reverberating off the tile to make you feel even sicker. After that you flushed the toilet with trembling fingers. In fact your whole body was shaking. From being sick? Being cold? Both? Probably both. You sat stock still for a minute until your body decided it wanted to dry heave a few times. When five minutes had passed and you didn't feel like hurling you very slowly got to your feet and closed the bathroom door.

It took you twice as long to shower and get ready, hyper aware of every minor ache in your body in case you needed to kneel at the toilet again. Going out in just the towel, Jiyong, who had on only underwear, quickly went in behind you. Shrugging off his appearance, you put on a pair of leggings and an old shirt and went to the kitchen for breakfast. There was something nagging at your brain, but the heavy ache blocked the thought from surfacing to focus on curing your hangover. Whatever it was it could wait until after you ate and took medicine. You shouldn't have been startled, but when hands came around your waist you jumped, dropping the spoon you grabbed on the counter. He brushed your damp hair aside and began kissing your neck. You shivered involuntarily and tensed.

"Bad hangover?" He mouthed against your skin. His slightly raspy sunshine voice coaxed you to relax some.

"Awful," you confirmed. "Why are you kissing me?" Jiyong stepped closer, one hand dipping under your shirt as you felt his arousal press into your backside. He nipped the shell of your ear.

"I'm making you feel better, baby. Sex helps get rid of headaches and any..." His fingers barely went under the waistband of your leggings. "Tension you may have pent up." You spun around with wide eyes, taking two steps away.

"Oh my god." All the memories from the night before came flooding back. You put a hand over your mouth in shock. "Oh my god, last night..." Jiyong caught up, panic growing. "We--oh my god. Holy shit." You ran your fingers through your hair, blushing furiously.

"Please tell me you remember what happened last night," the man asked anxiously. He suddenly felt over-exposed. "Y/N, please tell me you remember."

"O-of course I do," you stammered. Flashes of lips and tongues, and his tattoos brushing your skin as bodies tangled switched through your memory. Jumbled and you think out of order, but only the edges were unclear. Strange details stuck out to you; like how only sections of the scratches you left on his sides and back were still visible as he stared at you in the kitchen. So that's what your brain was trying to suppress. "I-I just...I'm still processing that I fucked my best friend last night." More flashes of his voice in your ear, and his face after he came. Heat traveled down your body and lit up the spots his hands just were a moment ago and settled between your legs. You probably resembled more of a cherry than yourself at that point. You groaned in frustration, pacing over to the space behind the sofa so the kitchen island seperated you. "This is gonna make things weird, isn't it? I'm making it weird already by reacting like this. I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting that," you gestured to all of him. "To be the thing my drunken brain almost forgot first thing this morning. I was too busy with the hangover and now I feel like shit for treating you like this. I really did enjoy last night. Like, wow, but I don't know how to go about being...normal right now. I didn't force you into anything, did I? I think I would've asked, but drunk me is super impulsive and oh god I'm so sorry." Stream ofconsciousness over, Jiyong could speak.

"You didn't force anything Y/N, relax." You took deep breaths. "I was the one who initiated it. If anything I'm worried about making you feel used or taken advantage of. Because that couldn't be further from my intentions."

"Are you kidding?" you guffawed. "I was practically begging for you to fuck me."

"No, you're already making excuses for me just like Seungri. I should have known you were too drunk to think clearly. I'm an idiot. Of course you don't care about--" A thought struck you and you interrupted him.

"Wait. What day is today?" He seemed to have the same realization. "Shit! I'm late for work."

"Youngbae's going to kill me," he muttered. You both raced to get dressed in regular clothes. "You should hate me," he said as he pulled on jeans. You tore your shirt off and started buttoning on a blouse.

"Of course not. I could never be upset with you, Ji. I just can't think right now. Damnit, I really need coffee or something for this headache."

"Seungri's going to kill me when he finds out."

"After Youngbae."

"There's a line forming," he complained. You zipped on a skirt. He was throwing his scattered pajamas in the bag he brought. You plucked some small heels out and snatched your phone off the nightstand. You both rushed to the front door, putting shoes on. Jiyong stopped you and put a hand on either side of your face.

"Listen to me. Last night was a mistake. You did nothing wrong and I'm an asshole for taking advantage of you right after breaking up with Seungri. I was confused and lonely and drunk. I don't want things to get awkward between us so everything I'm saying right now is the truth of how I feel." He was speaking confidently, and perhaps it was the lights messing with your vision, but his eyes looked pained. "You're only a friend and I want it to stay that way so I won't come back tonight. Also, I think you should know there's hickeys on your neck. Bye!" He darted out the door, leaving your mind racing.

There was no hope of you focusing at work that day. In between every task your mind went to the previous night. You must have replayed every word he said hundreds of times. The ghost of his hands on your body made your own tremble. During your lunch break one of your co-worker friends hit your thigh in a laughing fit and you nearly jumped out of your seat. Paranoid, you took enough bathroom breaks to be concerning in order to keep the makeup concealing your hickies in place.

You thought you would be able to stew in peace when you got to your apartment that evening. You should have known better. The lights were on and the smell of cooked chicken wafted past your nose. After removing your coat and shoes you saw Seungri come out of the bedroom. You sighed. He still had a key.

"You're home," he sighed happily. He quickly went to you and hugged you tightly. Face buried in your neck, his next words were muffled. "You didn't actually believe I'd give up on you that easily? You're the only woman I've ever been in love with. And I know you love me. I'm not letting you go without a fight, baby. Just give me a chance." He pulled away enough to see your face. "I made dinner. Will you please eat with me?" You nodded without delving too much into what it might lead to. The smile that spread on his features brightened the whole room and made your heart ache. You had missed his smile. You followed him and sat at the kitchen island. You made sure he sat on the opposite side from your bruised neck. He gave you your plate. It had mushroom chicken and green beans on it.

"Thank you," you said softly. "It smells delicious." He reached hesitantly and rested his hand on your knee.

He didn't talk much while eating which was unusual. The only thing that let you know he was the same was the way his thumb rubbed circles into the side of your knee. It was a comforting constant, his touch. He knew your body better than you did sometimes. You finished eating first, folding your hands in your lap and looking at him.

"That was...I needed a good meal. Thank you."

"I'm glad you liked it."

"So, you have my attention. Go ahead and say what it is you want to say, and I'll wait until you're done." Seungri set down his utensils and gestured with his head to your bedroom. You warily allowed him to pull you over. Past the doorway you froze. He stood beside the bed and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Too cliche?" The covers were littered with rose petals, candles flickering on your nightstand and dresser. Your eyes watered. "You have every right to be pissed off at me right now. I was an asshole boyfriend these past few months. Look, Y/N, I'm not the best at the serious emotional stuff, but that's not an excuse. There is no excuse. But I realized something last night after you kicked me out; you waited for me. I was ignoring you like a child who runs away from his problems, but you stayed here. In this bed. Texting and calling and trying to get my attention for two months. I didn't deserve the faith and understanding you had for me. You were right to be angry when I said all those things yesterday. But I understand now. Seeing you here laying next to Jiyong really made me realize how much I took advantage of you." Seungri walked in front of you and tucked some hair behind your ear. "Your kindness, loyalty, trust, honesty. Your love. I wasn't stuck. I was too selfish to think beyond myself. You are perfect just the way you are, and if you let me, I'll wait forever if you need me to. You don't want to get married yet; I'll stay beside you and love you just as much until you think you're ready. I love you more than anything. Your questions from yesterday? I thought about them more. It doesn't matter to me if I can't picture you beside me in a house with kids some day. Maybe that's not how our lives turn out. Maybe we stay as we are until we're old. As long as I get to wake up next to you smiling in the morning I don't care about any of that other stuff." He drew closer, fingers carding into your hair. "I don't feel right without you. I miss you." He kissed you once chastely. Blinking, your tears escaped. His gaze softened, other hand coming up to wipe the trail away. "I miss your voice." A peck on the corner of your mouth. "Your laugh." Your cheek. "Your awful jokes." Forehead. "How you always know exactly what to say." The other cheek. "Everything. I miss everything." Back to your lips. "I'm not satisfied without you. You've become my everything." The next time he pressed his lips to yours you kissed back. Heat spread through your body, life coming back to your limbs. Your hands tentatively went around his neck. Seungri hummed, tongue swiping along your lip and you let him deepen the kiss. One of his hands wandered, resting on your hip. You were pulled flush with his body. Your thoughts were scrambled. He had put in honest effort to apologize like he meant it. You believed he did. However, you couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. Something was missing. Phantom hands brushed the length of your spine and held your cheek. Jiyongs words echoed in your head. 'Just because you're not brave enough to be alone doesn't mean you should hold Y/N back from finding someone who will love her unconditionally. She deserves better and you know it.' It gave you strength to pull away then. It stung that after all Seungri said you found it still rang true. You broke away from the kiss and stepped away. His features sagged.

"This is all an amazing gesture, Seungri--"

"No no no," he spoke quickly, coming to you and grabbing your hands. "Don't say 'but'. Say you'll give me a chance."

"I know we love eachother, but I'm not sure this is the right thing to do. I'm not sure if you're right for me anymore."

"What? How can you say those two things back to back? Why are you suddenly doubting--" Seungri paused like a light went off above his head. He dropped your hands. "Top came over, didn't he?"

"What?" you snapped. He really knew how to push your buttons just right. "I'm doubting you because you disappeared for two months without telling me why and I don't know if you'll do it again if you decide you're done waiting. Why does honey visiting have anything to do with this?"

"So he did visit?"

"Of course he did. He's one of my closest friends. If you're going to keep being an ass you need to go, and leave your key in the kitchen."

"So you can call your sweet "honey" and have him "comfort" you?" Poison drenched each of his words.

"So I can be alone for five seconds and think! Get out!"

"I thought you said you shouldn't have to think? You should just love, right?"

"You are such a fucking--" You were cut short by Seungri slamming his lips against yours. It was all teeth and tongues and harsh, gasping breaths. Your back hit a hard surface. Seungri was strong, but he let you push him away momentarily. His eyes were darkened with raw lust. He lowered his voice to a tense growl.

"You're mine, okay? No one else gets to touch you like I do. I think my little girl needs to be reminded of what happens when she makes me jealous."

"I'm not in the mood for games."

"Good, because I'm not playing. I was furious when I saw Jiyongs arm around you yesterday. Then he kissed your neck and I just--" Seungri seethed, taking a break to breath. Fists clenched and unclenched beside you. "Now you're saying you went to Top, too? This teasing went too far. You're going to tell me who you belong to, and you're going to make it convincing." Suddenly you were turned so your front was against the wall. You struggled, but he molded his form to yours and gripped your wrists tightly. "I need to hear my little whore screaming for my cock. You'll do that for me, won't you?" Teeth nipped your ear. "You always were a good girl when it came to what you really wanted, cumslut." Seungri grinded his growing arousal into your ass. "Maybe if you're good while I fuck your tight little cunt I'll cum in your mouth just how you like. Sound like a deal, babygirl?"

"I don't belong to anyone." You shoved back, and in his shock he let you go. "I'm not some fucking toy. You haven't learned anything."

"You always like when I talk like that," he breathed. "I was only trying--"

"No. Stop. I'm done. You really aren't helping your case. Put your key on the counter and leave. If I want to talk to you I'll call, okay?"

"I won't stop trying."

"I know." He begrudgingly did what you wanted, the front door closing harder than necessary.

You hated it, but after Seungri left and you cleaned up the apartment, you did exactly like he predicted.

"Hey kitten," the familiar warm voice greeted over the phone. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know, but I don't want to be alone. Is it too much to ask you to stay the night? I always feel better with you around."

"Of course it's not," he answered. "I'll be over as soon as I pack some clothes. Should I ask the others too?"

"No. Just you. If that's okay." He chuckled.

"I'll see you soon then."

"Thanks, honey."

"Anything for you, kitten."

People really needed to stop saying that to you.


	7. Hypotheticals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seunghyun takes his turn trying to help.

The hour in between you calling Seunghyun and him arriving was spent showering and getting dressed for bed. When he did come he set his bag down and took off his shoes and coat wordlessly. He was wearing his usual large hoodie, the pants he paired with it made for workouts like jogging. You greeted him, but your smile sank when his gaze snapped over to you. The corners of his mouth were pinched, refraining from all out frowning. His eyes darted across your face, eyebrows knitting together like he was staring through you, caught in thought. You waited for him to decide on his words. With a heavy sigh his features relaxed. He put his hands on your shoulders, voice low and soft.

"Jiyong told us you broke up with Seungri. I can't say I'm upset or surprised, but you know I'm here if you need anything. Promise if you need something you'll ask, alright kitten? I'm here for you." You didn't know what came over you. Seunghyuns gaze was so tender and understanding.

"Stay next to me tonight? Instead of sleeping on the couch? Is that too much?"

"I'll stay as many nights as you need, kitten." The backs of his fingers ghosted across your cheek and tucked hair behind your ear, making your heart flutter. Your eyes welled with tears. Everything was proving to be too much. You had let the levees break when sobbing into Jiyong. It wasn't easy keeping anything in when your emotions were constantly overflowing. You had cleared a path and you couldn't stop it. Even when you were happy.

"What would I do without you, honey?" He smiled lop-sidedly.

"Would my kitten like to sit on my lap and watch a movie?" You nodded. The corners of his mouth stretched further. Your voice was feeble replying, barely above a whisper. Something about Seunghyun's strong prescence was deteriorating your resolve to act like you were fine. You were drained from everything that happened, and he was your support.

"Will you play with my hair too? I always know I'm safe when you hold me, and it feels nice."

"Why wait?" he replied without hesitating. You gasped as you were hoisted in the air bridal style. You gaped in astonishment at his unexpected strength. Seunghyun carried you to the couch and dropped down so you were laying across his lap. He pulled a blanket over the two of you and tucked your head under his chin, long, thin fingers running through your hair. You moaned quietly and nuzzled closer, splaying a hand over his chest. "Does that feel better, kitten?" Your eyes closed, the deep vibrations in his timbre like a balm for your racing thoughts. Giving you something to focus on so you could sort through them all rather than them fluttering around inside your skull like loose sheets of paper tossed off a tall building. The wetness gathering in your eyes died down. The familiar scent of peaches filled your nose.

"How do you always know exactly what to do to cheer me up? You mean the world to me, honey. I'd be so lost without you." Your voice cracked on the last words. "I love you so much." His breath caught in his throat, answer coming unevenly.

"Of course. I love you too, Y/N." His embrace tightened around you. After a few moments of silence he asked, "do you want to talk about it now or later?"

"Later," you answered. "I need to think for a while. It was really hard to focus alone. I'm a lot calmer now that you're here. So thank you."

"No problem. I don't have work until late tomorrow morning. I'm all yours until then."

"Watch whatever you want. I won't be paying attention anyway." With his free hand he turned on the tv and found some drama show you didn't recodnize then rested it on your knee.

You went through all the events of the last day in your head while absently fiddling with the drawstring on his hoodie. Just 24 hours ago you were tripping over your own feet drunkenly and laughing with Jiyong. When you shut your eyes to concentrate on remembering everything all you could see was him hovering over you with that bright smile on his face. You squeezed your eyes tighter as if it would force the image to change. His body heat had scorched your being, molding his frame to yours until there was no space. You gritted your teeth at the memory. He had felt so good against you, inside you. You hated how much you had enjoyed it, but a small voice in the back of your head kept repeating how little you cared at the same time. You weren't with Seungri when it happened, so it wasn't cheating. You were both rational adults. You could sleep with whoever you wanted without feeling guilty about it.

There it was. There was the churning. You opened your eyes and stared out at nothing. Jiyong had told you it was a mistake. He said it directly to your face. 'I was confused and lonely and drunk.' It cut deeper than you would like. Then again no one wants to hear someone had sex with them just because they were drunk and you were nearby. Did it matter that it hurt?

Then there was the shitstorm that was Seungri. He had never been good with emotional speeches, but you couldn't help missing something while he was kissing you. The longer you searched for a reason to the hollowness you had experienced the more you wished he had never spoken at all. Then you could just be mad at him for ignoring you. Nothing was clear anymore. All the emotions were blurring together.

Another memory hit you. One you immediantly wanted to forget. One you imagined Jiyong wanted you to forget, too. Because if you hadn't dreamt it up it would only tangle things further. Because if he actually said what you thought it had massive implications tied to it.

"Honey," you spoke gently to test the waters. Seunghyun muted the tv.

"Is it later already?" His fingers paused while carding through your hair, cradling your head when you turned to look up at him.

"Have you ever loved someone you know you shouldn't?" He tensed, wetting his lips while his eyes darted across your features. "Yes then," you exhaled. "It's just, Jiyong said something to me yesterday. I'm probably just looking too much into it, but...do you know if he likes anyone?"

"Likes anyone?" he repeated, dumbfounded.

"Yeah. Someone who works with you maybe?"

"I don't think I understand the connection."

"He didn't tell you what happened last night?"

"Other than you dumping Seungri? I assumed you got drunk."

"Very," you replied. You let your face smoosh into his chest to hide your expression, voice coming out muffled. "We slept together."

"He uses people as body pillows whenever he's drunk," Seunghyun replied casually.

"No," you groaned. "I don't care when he does that."

"Did he do something that made you uncomfortable?"

"No. I meant we slept together. Don't make me say it please."

"Jiyong--you mean he--you mean he fucked you?" You felt his hold on you loosen minutely. You nodded and curled your fingers into his hoodie, bunching the fabric.

"And then he told me it was a mistake and he only wanted me as a friend and hasn't spoken to me all day. I'm not even sure if it meant anything, but it's so confusing."

"Why is it confusing?" he whispered back in questioning.

"Because it felt like something," you confessed. "You can't fake passion like that. But am I just remembering wrong? Was I really just some faceless fuck to cure his loneliness for the night? Was he picturing someone else and I happened to be the nearest slut too stupid to say no? It makes me feel sick, honey."

"That's what you meant asking if he liked anyone." He was slowly coming around to understanding. "Listen, Jiyong isn't the type to use people. How did it happen?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well he obviously had to come on to you first."

"Oh, well he kissed me to stop me from crying. I think he didn't know what to say."

"Then there's your answer kitten," he replied solemnly. "It doesn't mean it was the right thing, but it sounds like he did it to make you feel better."

"That's an odd method to comfort someone," you said bitterly. "But then why the cold shoulder this morning? Do you think he was afraid I'd be mad and stop being friends with him? That's the stupidest thing."

"It is?"

"Of course." You shifted in his lap, laying your head on his shoulder. "You're too important to me to let go that easily. You know how much I love you guys." Hesitant hands splayed on your back. Seunghyun lowered his voice and asked warily,

"Have you considered that maybe he loves you as more than a friend?"

"Of course I didn't consider that," you answered. "You guys overshare everything. I doubt he could hide something like that from me."

"What if he did though? What would you do about it?" You took a minute to think carefully. The silence in between was fragile and tense. It wasn't able to stretch long enough and broke with a quiet exhale from you.

"I don't know, but if there's any truth to that theory then he screwed up his opportunity to tell me properly."

"What if he had told you before he kissed you? What if he had just held you like this and said I love you? How would you feel then?"

"I definitely wouldn't have believed him at first. But if he was insistent...I don't know, honey. This is weird to think about. We don't even know if that's true."

"Then imagine it's me," he suggested. You raised your head to look at his face. He was strangely unreadable. "How would you react right now if I confessed I loved you as more than a friend?" You stared blankly at him, thoughts snagging in your head, not fully forming.

"I guess...I'd ask for how long..."

"From the moment I met you," he replied softly. Your heart beat thrummed in your chest. One corner of his mouth twitched upward. "Come on, it's just roleplay. Don't give me that doe-eyed look. I'm trying to help you figure out how you really feel about all of this. What would you say next?"

"Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"I didn't want to risk loosing you as a friend."

"But you've said before that Seungri doesn't treat me well so why didn't you tell me to break up with him sooner?"

"Would you have really believed I did it for the right reasons?"

"Maybe...if you pointed out how bad it was and didn't try to have sex with me right away."

"Really?" he asked skeptically. You shrugged. "And what if I kissed you right after you broke up with Seungri? Nothing else. Just kiss you." To stay honest you answered with the first response that came to mind when imagining the scenario he had layed out.

"I'd freeze, and then...I guess...I'd go back to sitting with you like we are now."

"Now ask yourself why."

"Because I know you won't do anything I don't want."

"Now put yourself in the other persons shoes. If you had loved this person for months and they finally got out of a bad relationship. You didn't know any other way to be there for them except physically and they were crying next to you, how would you feel?"

"Confused," you answered. It started to sink in. Imagining what Jiyong had been thinking. You cast your eyes down. "Helpless."

"So after all that do you still think you were a mistake?" You shook your head. "I'm willing to bet good money he was lying to you this morning. He's probably hating himself for making you feel used."

"What if you're wrong though? What if he doesn't think of me as anything but a friend?"

"Then he still needs to hear you say you understand. You can't let this stay quiet. If you don't call him now you know things won't be the same between you. You're always going to wonder if you should have said something."

"I hate it when you're right."

"Then go call him. I'll be right here."

"It's gonna be so awkward," you whined. Seunghyun tutted and crooked a finger under your chin to lift your gaze.

"Where did my strong, honest kitten go?"

"She's hiding underneath a blanket with you. I don't know what to say, honey."

"Well ask yourself this; if he had showed up here tonight instead of me would you do it again?" That gave you pause. It was the question you had been avoiding all day. It was the question that muddied everything in your head. Jiyong had actually helped you in a bizzare way, but were you letting your want for physical affection cloud your opinions? Seunghyun had done nothing but hold you since he arrived and your heart seemed content. It was the simple way he cared for you that calmed you. He was always a steady force in your life. They both were. With Jiyong...you didn't want to think about the mess it would make if it turned out sleeping with you meant more than the only way he could think to comfort you. You knew Seungri would already make a melodrama out of what happened let alone adding if you started something with one of his friends.

"Does it matter?" you decided to ask. Something broke in Seunghyun's eyes, his hands falling away from you. "Seungri was pissed off enough learning you had visited me let alone slept with one of his closest friends."

"Why are you still worried about what he thinks?" he questioned sadly.

"Because you work with him almost every day," you answered frustratedly. "I don't want your friendship to suffer because I was a dumbass." Seunghyun glanced over your shoulder before meeting your gaze again. There was a defeated tone to his lilting words.

"None of this is your fault, kitten." He pushed more hair behind your ear. "You have such a big heart, but he can handle the mess he made on his own. He's a grown man despite how he acts sometimes. He really does love you, and I know if you explain it to him he'll come around to accept your choice. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. If being with Jiyong is what makes you happy again then don't stop yourself. You deserve someone who won't ever hurt you."

"Right," you sighed. "And you think that's Jiyong?"

"I think that's something only you can answer."

"What a bullshit answer," you chuckled weakly. When he didn't laugh as well you looked away. "I don't think anything right now. I just want to sleep."

"Then let's get you to bed." Seunghyun guided you to your feet. After shutting off the tv he followed you to your bed and climbed under the covers on the very edge of the mattress. You turned the lights off. Once you joined him you layed facing his back and poked him.

"Honey," you enticed in as sweet a voice as you could muster. "You don't have to stay that far away."

"Did you want me closer?"

"To keep you from falling on the floor? Yes I would like you closer." He shimmied further back. You placed a tentative hand on his arm. He jumped and spun around to face you, eyes widening when he realized how little space there was between you. "I'm sorry. Is this not okay? If you want to go to the sofa--"

"No," he interrupted. Then adding quietly, "no, it's fine. You just surprised me." You leaned forward and kissed his cheek, but hesitated pulling away.

"Thank you again. For everything." He turned his head slightly to meet your gaze, lips centimeters from yours, breaths mingling. You felt a pull to close the distance, but were frozen by the fear of screwing up further. He made no motion to move away either. He simply watched you with warm, slightly nervous eyes.

"Of course."

"Why aren't you jumping away again?"

"Don't want to."

"Are you cold?"

"A little."

"Can I move closer?" He nodded almost imperceptively. Breaking away from his intense stare you reached behind you to gather up the headphones he gifted you. You started a playlist of calm piano music and put one earbud in before laying beside him. Seunghyun put the second earbud in after you offered it. You carefully wrapped an arm around his side and curled close to his chest. He returned the embrace. You hummed pleasantly at how warm he was and how soft and pillowy his hoodie felt. "Does that feel better, honey?" you asked in a hushed, breathy tone, already on the verge of sleep.

"Yeah," he confirmed in the same tired voice. "I think I like sleeping next to someone."


End file.
